when everything starts to come together

{Warning: Super long post about everything on my mind.}

It was either this or writing in my journal and unfortunately I can't write as fast as the thoughts come to me and I want to document things like this and look back on it a month or a year from now.

So last week, I wrote about how I was stressing out a lot and not knowing what I want to do with my life. And that was partly true. Part of me, deep down, knows what it is I want to do. That same part of me is scared of failure and rejection, but I'm trying to learn to accept that those two things that are going to happen (quite a lot) if you want to succeed. It doesn't make it any less scary.

I've always dreamed about being apart of a magazine or doing something with art or just being able to do creative work. That's when I'm "in my element" so to speak. And it's weird thinking about it, because it always seem to come back to this. Having the freedom to express myself. It's kind of like this morning when I was making chocolate covered strawberries for my friend's birthday. I loved the whole process - making the food, taking photos of the food, thinking about how I could make the photographs look nicer, just being able to take my time and enjoy the process, etc.

And one of my goals from now on out is to quiet that thought of "What if it's not practical enough" and "What if I can't make a living off of this" because I know that I can and I know that other people have done this. I also know that I'm hard working when it comes to doing things that I really want to do, and I normally give up when I think I won't get anywhere. The funny thing is when I think like that, I really don't get anywhere because I just stop out of fear which brings me back to my word for this year, confidence. (I love how everything keeps going back to that word. It's like it was meant to be.) If anything, I need to be more confident in myself. Because I don't want to end up doing something I don't enjoy just because someone once said to me "Are you sure that's realistic?" or better yet the "getting a real job" conversation.

It's nights like this that keep me sane and going. The nights where it seems to all make sense and that reassuring feeling that I'm exactly where I need to be.

• I'm currently studying Holistic Nutrition which is honestly perfect for me because I think looking at someone's health and lifestyle as a whole is the way to go (and that's what I believe in.) And that goes along with my story and how I've approach health and trying to become healthier. Ever since I started the program back in October, I've been doubting myself a lot. Thoughts like "What if it's not right for me?", "What if it doesn't work?," "What if I'm just wasting my time and money? Shouldn't I be at a four year like everyone else?," and thoughts like that.
• I'm also currently taking classes at my community college and I'm really enjoying my Adobe classes. I'm actually really happy that I started this blog, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be taking those classes. I'm really enjoying Adobe Illustrator right now and I actually want to spend time on it. I'm also thinking about getting two Associate degrees, because why not? I'm almost there anyway. Sure, most people my age are about to get their Bachelor's in one year, but I didn't know (and still not entirely sure) what I want to do with my life.
• I have a lot of goals this year like writing an ebook, learning to draw whole illustrator in Adobe Indesign, maybe even starting a small online magazine, start running again, joining a yoga club, finding an internship, reading lots of books and articles to build up on my knowledge, etc. There's a lot of things to do out there! What have I been doing all last year?!
• There are upsides to my situation and I'm starting to learn there are upsides to almost every situation (even when you don't want to admit it.) I save money by living at home (rent and the bills can really add up), I'm taking the time to figure who I am and what it is I'm interested in, and oh! - I don't have (as much) debt as some of my peers. Yeah, I'll have bills and stuff to pay off when I decide to move out (hopefully by the end of next year), but at least I won't have to stress out about the huge amounts of debt most college grads have to deal with (because we all know how well I deal with stress - i.e. not really that well.)
• I'm also really good at "living within my means" which means that I won't ever spend more than I have; it's kind of something I learned (not entirely voluntary) while growing up. I still remember when I spent all my money I had in middle school on vending machine snacks, because I didn't like waiting in the super long lines. I think that was the only time when I literally had no money left. It's kind of nice sometimes not being materialistic, but at the same time, it kind of sucks because I'm really bad at treating myself even when I've been doing really good with school, life, etc.

Instead of looking at the downsides of the situation (too many classes and deadlines, not enough social interaction and feelings of loneliness, the lack of independence and freedom), I'm trying to focus on the upsides of the situation! (the freedom to explore and try different things, living at home and not having to pay rent, having more time to figure out what I like to do, etc.).

I'm just really excited! I've been so busy lately and it's kind of great (and super exhausting at the same time.) But also really motivating and I'm trying to push myself to think more about why I'm doing this and that, what kind of activities I enjoy doing, what kind of people I would like to meet (I should probably start meeting new people ...sometime soon)/networking, and just do it! That's kind of been my motto for the last few weeks - just do it (thanks Nike, but it's so true. Most of the time, you just have to do it.)

P.S. I am really bad at condensing but really good at rambling on and on.