my weight does not define me

2014 has been really good to me so far,

• I watched my first sunrise with my best friend
• I baked my first edible pumpkin bread
• I learned to cook meat
• I decided to quit my part time job (which was a really scary decision for me despite me only working two days)
• I also decided to go back to community college to get my AA degree and I'm really excited about it! I'll be taking five courses next semester along with my online course/program
• I'm still here blogging - I didn't think I would make it past week one, but here I am, with my twelfth post!

I've always been a worrier, so doing things that would be considered easy or non-stressful, is extremely difficult and stressful for me. I get anxious about things that most people wouldn't even give a second thought to; I have to think about everything that could possibly happen, before I make a change in my life (even if it's a small one).

And lately, there's been something on my mind that just keeps on finding its way back into my thoughts. My mental health and body image. It's something that I've tried not to think about, because when I do, it seems like my whole life just collapses within an hour. (So dramatic, I know.) And I'm working on not being afraid of it anymore. I've been overweight my whole life, and up until 2011/2012, other people felt like they had to constantly remind me (because apparently people don't know what they're like.. because we don't have to live in our own skin everyday..). And when I started to lose weight in 2011, I didn't like people commenting on my weight loss because I didn't like how they implied that I was somehow a better person because I lost weight. But I didn't tell them I didn't want them to stop commenting on my weight, so instead I thought a better solution was to gain it all back. I'm still not sure why I did that, but from then now, everything has been kind of a big blur. Until now.

Maybe it's a reality check. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling the way I do after eating out so often. Or maybe I just want to cook more and start running again. Whatever it is, I'm getting myself back into gear. Because now I know better.

My weight doesn't define me.

And just because other people seem to think so, it doesn't mean that I have to believe them. I am more than just my weight; in fact, I don't even know what I weigh and I'm not all that interested in finding out either. I have dreams and goals like traveling the world, having my own business, running an ultra, writing my own book, etc. There's more to me than just my weight. I like to always start my day with a cup of water, I like making breakfast foods, I like wearing dresses, I enjoy Instagramming more than I should, I believe that there are still genuine people in the world, my favorite cuisine is Thai, I like to read a lot, I also like to journal, etc.

Health doesn't relate to weight loss. Weight loss doesn't relate to health. But that's just my view on it, and yes I'll admit I'm bias. Just because someone is losing weight doesn't mean they're becoming healthy. When I was losing weight, someone actually asked me if I wasn't eating in order to lose weight. (And they weren't asking in a concerned way; it was more of a "good for you" kind of way which scared me because people actually do this. They make you feel guilty about being overweight, so guilty that you feel like you just shouldn't eat. And that's not healthy. They're not concerned about your weight; the only thing that matters to them is how you look.)

But here's the thing (and it took me so long to learn this) - it doesn't matter what they think, what matters is what you think. About yourself. They aren't you. You aren't them. They don't know what works for you and what doesn't, and vice versa. That's something else I learned. Don't compare yourself to others, because everyone is on a different journey. Learn to love yourself because it's honestly more important than anything else. Love yourself, believe in yourself, have some courage, and everything else will fall into place.

It's so difficult to be confident in ourselves in this society, but it's so worth it. And I know because I had that confidence at one time in my life, even though it was short-lived (it lasted a few months in 2012; no, it wasn't because of weight loss).

What I would like to accomplish this year/these next few months

• to not let my weight define me, and not let other peoples' opinions overwhelm me 
• to become confident in myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, ...), and to love myself as I am and for all that I am
• to remember that weight does not equate to health and health does not equate to weight loss (it's honestly so hard for me to break the link between the two)
• to keep moving forward even when I want to stop
• but most importantly, to just be myself and to just be the way that I want to be - whatever feels natural and whole

So here's to reclaiming my health, my sanity, and everything else in between. Wish me luck.